School life is like a video game. Trying hard to beat the grade. All while we are still collecting fame.

Kidding. This isn’t a parody. But looking at my school life as a child- it was just that. A video game.

I don’t know how long this went on for other people; but up until I was nine years old I was convinced that teachers despawned after the final bell.

I mean the whole school staff is just like a bunch of non-playable characters. (NPCs.) The teachers, princables, lunch ladies, office attendants, janitors, and even the bus drivers! All of them seemed like strategically placed npcs.

Some would assist you on epic quests, others would stop them. (Darn playground monitors!) The bus drivers would take you where you needed to go. Which let’s face it: as a nine year old that consisted of my house, a friends, and the occasional field trip.

Field trips were rare and exceedingly difficult quests. Ones that often featured new boss fights and strange riddles the teachers expected us to solve. Too bad we never learned to listen to guest speakers…

Teachers. Sometimes they were the most advanced AI in this little game and other times they were the most robotic.

Especially in the case of high school many of these ‘npc teachers’ would help advance our personal storylines. Whether it was aiding us on our way into a college or laying down an ultimatum. Normally ones that involve bad grades.

Then one day at the grocery story… this nine-year-old’s fantasy was shattered. Standing next to me in line was a teacher. And not just any teacher. A math teacher! This NPC’s riddles were the worst but somehow the game must have glitched. It was the weekend but here he stood.

Perhaps a malfunction? Special event? Corrupted save maybe? Critical game failure? Oh geez, I’m running out of options here.

Then I realized something… walking up to my middle aged teacher I stared at him. My eyes burning with amazement. “You’re alive!” I told him. “YOU’RE ALIVE!!!” I kept repeating it with increased enthusiasm until I was shouting. I remember the teacher looking at me. The confusion in his eyes grew immensely beneath his receeding hairline. (A common problem with math teachers as I have learned.)

My mom ended up dragging me out of the store that day. But now I was the one stacking up error codes. For once I think I understand how that old Internet Browser felt. So much information had flooded my mind- instantaneously! I didn’tknow how to begin processing this epifany I brought about. Sure I tramatized a teacher in the process but what was more important here?

It wasn’t that I was a mean kid. I had never really thought about where teachers went after school. Some how it just seemed like they didn’t exist outside of those brick prisons. After all half of them just repeated the same thing every time you interacted with them.

For every person that ever had this problem.

Congrats.

You just got: MINDBLOWN.

Am I the only one who enters a grocery store with certain expectations of how shoppers should conduct themselves?

Like how when I turn down an aisle I expect them to put their individual carts on the side of the aisle rather than dead center. Come on people! You’re slowing down traffic. 🙄

Grocery shopping is like driving a car on the roadways.

Pedestrians always have the right of way, each person should stay in their own lane and obey the rules of right-of-way.

Don’t get me wrong in a shopping mall it’s every adult-baby for themselves. Those places are ruthless but when shopping for food certain standards should be upheld! 😤

You can’t even escape the ever present road-hogs. You see them on the road and you see them getting food. Everyone knows that slight paranoid feeling that you get of turning down the wrong aisle and discovering a road-hog waiting for you. They stand completely unaware dead-center in the aisle. They wait as you creep your way forward hoping that you can stall long enough for them to move on.

But they don’t.

Clinging to your cart you barely manage to slip by when voila! They suddenly turn and walk off. Just your luck!

Passing other individuals inside the store can be even worse. You’re in a hurry to get that last ingredient that you forgot for dinner (again). You’re on the move. Nothing can stop you. Suddenly an older gentleman turns out of aisle seven and meanders around with absolutely no sense of urgency. Flicking on that blinker you approach. Steps quickening. Closer… Closer… wait a second?! 😲

As you catch up you notice he is doing the same. Yielding to oncoming traffic you retreat, beaten back behind him. Only to discover they have slowed back down considerably.

Oh, and the traffic jams! 😱

It feels like when you put three people or more in the same area they have a hard time deciding how they should handle it. Rather than move to a side or go around they converge at one spot and wait. A confused pile of cart wheels, wine bottles and pickle jars. Hold on! A new contender enters the fray! Here comes granny on a scooter and she means business! 😂

This is Maverick sliding in to hit you with some Breaking News! Driving a car is fun!

I know how it sounds. After all the commutes to work or school. The roadhogs, cutters, honked horns, the classic middle fingers and let’s not forget everyone that was so on your ass that they were five inches from driving up your exhaust pipe!

But I think you have to do your part to make every drive more enjoyable. Your average Joe spends at least an hour driving a day and after some research I found that only one in three drivers enjoy it! As a part of those who enjoy driving I thought it only right to create a list of tips and tricks.

1.) Turn on That Radio!

When the good tunes come on you’ve jsut got to crank it up! Everyone loves music! I always end up jamming out to the good vibes my old stereo system- if you’ve got a friend in the car get them to join!

2.) Act It Out- The World is Your Stage

You like dancing? A car is the perfect place to do it! Just don’t get too carried away! While it can be fun you’re still driving and need to pay attention to the road. Remember kids… dance responsibly!

Got any sit-dance moves? I’m a fan of the sit-and-hand-flick.

3.) Got a Mic?

Ever run late and bring your comb or hairbrush with you to the car? On your way back from lunch and got a bottle of soda with you? Perfect! You now have a great microphone! While it might not share your voice with everyone at the very least you can scare the person in the car next to you!

4.) Be Dramatic!

If a sad song comes on then why not get all melodramatic about it? I mean haven’t we all heard a familiar one come on and oh… I don’t know… suddenly acted like we were in the music video of that song? Somber expressions (we hope), face against the window? I will note that it is especially effective when raining or when passing streetlights late at night.

A simple tale about how my sister almost burned the house down.

Again.

Late one Saturday night I walked into a house filled with as much stink as there was smoke. I found my mother and sister on the couch. Resting where they had collapsed. In the mix of disgusted “It stinks” and “what happned” arose a single outraged wail.

That of my eldest sibling. “I THOUGHT YOU SAID IT WASN’T THAT NOTICABLE?!?!” She shrieked accusingly as she whirled around to face my mother; who was quick to break down into a quivering pile of giggles.

We watched the grimy haze filter out the open door as our mom retold a story filled with grease-fire madness. Rather than a sweet-tooth my mom inherited her mother’s salt-craving! Which brings the demand for homemade popcorn!

Brandishing a pot and a bag of kernels my sister approached the stove. After starting up sis left to do laundry and returned to flames reaching the ceiling! After throwing it into the sick failed to work mom came to the rescue and threw the flaming concoction into the snow. It was shortly after when we had walked in.

In the end there was no damage to the kitchen. The only casualty was our favorite cooking pot. May you rest in peace. (In this case rest in pieces may be more accurate.)

Uni-sex names. Bet anyone with one just cringed. There are so many cons to them it can be hard to think about.

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Therefore during my time growing up I became determined that even some of the biggest downsides can be taken advantage of.

1.) Names Spelled Incorrectly

Overreacting to said offense can be quite easy. I’ve watched my sibling respond in such a way ever since they learned how to spell it on their own. Sometimes the mistake is minor— many uni-sex names may have gender variations such as Toni and Tony or Artemis or Artemus. But as I have discovered over the years is a great opportunity for ironic flippancy!! >:)

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Polite corrections or even jokes tend to go over well.

2.) Anything With Your Name…

Vacations and long car rides are often a time to buy souvenirs. Items with your name tends to be an all time favorite! But when they always turn up with the gender-base opposite of the one you’re looking for it becomes frustrating. I myself often fall victim to such occurrences. Such is the whimsy of pompous novelty items.

3.) Gender Switch

Before I go on I only thought it right to acknowledge those less fortunate than us. To every group of people out there using the same name in a workplace, school or social group. Skip to number five for advice. To the people who only find those with the matching name to be of the opposite gender. Don’t feel down! Now you just have an excuse to socialize. Being the only girl to share a name with a group of guys or a guy sharing a name with girls can be rough. (Trust me I know.) At least you can always look original. Lastly may we share a moment of silence for every boy named Ashley: your time will come again. 🙏

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4.) You talking to me?

Having a uni-sex name can increase the chances of you sharing a name with one or more people. Such instances can quickly escalate into a cacophony of: “Who me,” “are you talking to me” or a total lack of response altogether. To run on optimal amounts of personal amusement all must A.) Fail to respond or B.) Respond in unison. Nothing makes the offender more uncomfortable.

5.) Finding Other Yous

In high school I had the pleasure of sharing my name with four other individuals. We often rode the same bus or would end up in classes together. At which point we would sit side by side to mess with the teachers and our fellow students. Our office once made the grievous decision to call for one of my fellow ‘Yous’ to be called to the office. When a last name or specification was never made all five of us promptly appeared at the office. I have never terrified an office attendant more than when me and my other mes showed up. We must have looked something like those taken over in ‘Invasion of the Body-Snatchers.’

That mistake was sadly never repeated. Much to my disappointment. I felt very similar to John Hammond in Jurassic Park when he sees all his clones. “Hi John.” “Oh hi John!” “Nice to see you John.”

In such cases here are some pro tips to maximize confusions of those who are ‘Not You.’

A.) Make a plan for when your name is used.

B.) When your name is used non-specifically all of you must show up or respond.

C.) Refuse to answer a direct question until a specific ‘You’ is identified.

D.) Resistance is futile. We are Borg. We are one.

When you have multiples use it to your advantage. When together do not question it.

Ever hear of big dog syndrome? Sure I just made the term up fifteen minutes ago but that doesn’t make it any less real.

We’ve all heard of Little Dog Syndrome. Little dogs coping big attitudes with larger dogs, getting excitable, jumping or heightened aggression towards people or other dogs. This is normally thanks to them being small in size. Hence the name.

However! Big dog syndrome is much different. As the proud owner of a 110 pound half breed I have come to learn that big dogs are actually REALLY cuddly. As terrifying as he may seem when racing to me from across my acre and a half yard in three point five seconds all he wants is to cuddle!

And sit in my lap.

Hence how big dog syndrome came into being.

Big dogs are small at heart. They want to sit in your lap, hog the bed and snuggle up on stormy nights. No problem. No trouble. Too bad they are just a little bit too big!!!!

I mean sure it isn’t that big a deal when my dog comes over and desides to rest his rump on my leg. Sure my leg starts going numb after a while but who cares? What’s wrong with loose of limb or lack of blood circulation as long as your oversized lapdog is happy!

Big dog syndrome, as offically defined by me ten minutes ago is: when large dogs fail to realize their true size and cause minor but adorable problems. At least their heart’s in the right place!

I haven’t always been a clumsy person, but when you trip up the stairs instead of down them you know you have issues.

One nefarious set of steps continues to give me grief to this day. That treacherous 25 step deathtrap has mocked me since the first time I tread on the fake wood paneling. Ever seen a slide trap in a movie? I can promise you that they were made with these wretched steps in mind.

While I personally consider the act of defying gravity a skill, it turns out it isn’t a very good one. The glorious feeling of success never lasts long. Those stairs always laugh with their busted lips when my back is turned. The stairs don’t care for averages either! My size nine shoe covers the entirety of a step and then some. How my friend and his size fourteen shoes make it to their room every night I’ll never know. At least I know dwarves exist in the world of stairs!

You see stairs are a crafty bunch. You would never know it but stairs enjoy leaving messages in your shoes. We unwittingly carry them around to the next set we come across without ever knowing the truth. What else could cause the school stairs to become my biggest obstacle during my day to day life? My best friend’s stairs had left a message on the bottoms of my worn out tennies and I unknowingly brought it with me… to the worst possible place.

The public.

The satisfaction that comes with scaring someone is a wonderous thing. Even as a child the thought that someone found me scary, for even a moment amazed me. This is too much for any unreasonable five year old to handle! I began to feel like a superhero. A mere child by day and true hunter in the night.

Naturally the family did not see an immediate issue with their cute little five year old jumpscaring them from time to time. But after many time outs, six cups of spilled milk, and a broken dinner plate they still did not suspect.

My best scare had been my most painful. I would often wake up to the pitter-patter of feet on linoleom or the old green carpet. On one such a night I crept down my bunkbed ladder out into the hall discovering my eldest sister. I thought it smart at the time to walk directly and silently behind her. But I was certain my fun came to an end when she turned on a lamp. Desperate I stepped into the nearest corner and waited.

Should my unwitting sibling turn left I should be safe. Should she turn right I was caught. With a quick left turn I was discovered! From my elder siblings mouth erupted the most terrified banshee wail before she descended upon me twelve year-old fists flying. My mom rushed from her bedroom that night and found one child terrified and the other crying. Rushing to help me she found me laughing. With a few temporary lumps I went to bed with dignity.

Now I thought, an innocent trip to the kitchen for a midnight snack or walking down a dark hallway is dangerous… because I’m there. After roughly two years of torture my seemingly became immune to my antics. No matter how clever or unexpected I thought it was it just wasn’t working anymore. So I stopped. When weeks went by without so much as a silent approach my family became increasingly concerned. That in itself scared them even more.

Now I’m still up to my old tricks but I’ve grown and adpated. But I must say you’ve never scared someone badly enough until you see a full grown man curl up in the fetal position!